This might sound a little deluded, but let’s just pretend it is an open letter from Arsene Wenger to all Gunner fans following last Sunday’s capitulation at the hands of little Birmingham, who just three seasons ago were foraging in the championship and fighting for their football life.
Hello All Ye Gunners,
Well, ladies and gentlemen (no offence gentlemen that the ladies take pre-eminence even in this so-gentlemanly of sports). Ok, ladies and gents, I know we bottled it. I know we failed to bring a smile to your faces. I know me and the players failed to deliver as we promised. But I still believe in this team. I still know that this group of players deserve a trophy.
We have remained competitive since I came here in 1996. We have never failed to qualify for the Champions League. We have always, until 2005, always been in the first two positions in the premiership. Since the coming of Abramovich’s era at Chelsea, life at the top has been hectic but we have still never finished a season below fourth position. Yes, the trophies may have dried up since 2005, but so has it dried up for Liverpool since 2006.
I don’t know what the real reason is. Or why the trophies have decided to give us a wide berth. Sometimes, I think it might have to do with the move to the Emirates stadium. You see, I am not superstitious or anything as mundane, but you guys hardly ever sing when we play in front of you at the Emirates.
The place is so silent and hollow, it sometimes feel like you are all waiting for us to lose matches. Often when I look up from my well-padded seat in the dug-out, I think you guys are spoilt. You are all seated in your own padded seats up there, while me and the boys strain every muscle and dodge tackles from rugby sides like Stoke, in order to make you guys smile and enjoy your afternoons.
I’m not exactly saying that is the reason why we haven’t been winning trophies, but I mean, me and the boys would appreciate a little bit of love. We wouldn’t mind a little bit of tender-loving at least to know that we are not in enemy territory. Because, to tell you guys the truth, it sometimes feel like that when we play before you all and we ain’t cheered or serenaded with oles at every touch.
Even at Wembley over the weekend, you guys only started singing after Robin scored the equaliser. I know we are a London team, but the fans of Birmingham all the way from the Midlands outsang and outcheered you guys. Com’on, we are the biggest team in the biggest city in Europe!
It is none of my players’ fault that we lost against Brum. I must say we played like champions, if not for that former Newcastle bloke that frightened poor, little Wojniech to drop the ball and he sneaked in without any shame to score. I mean, why would a self-respecting, gentleman do a thing like that? No wonder he couldn’t last too long at Rubin Kazan. They buy proper footballers who know how to dribble and make a 1,000 passes like my players. And not sneaky, dodgy types like the ex-Newcastle bloke who scare goalkeepers into making mistakes and then shamelessly poke the ball into the net before flipping and turning over in the air like a deflated balloon.
I thought of making an official complaint to both the FA, FIFA and even the United Nations on such dangerous tactics by strikers, but I was talked out of it by my very considerate players, who are gentlemen of the highest degree.
So back to you guys. I am getting fed up with all of you talking and moaning about a lack of trophies. I mean, how often have I said that we need to be patient with these players? Which other team in all of Europe can claim to have such gifted, skillful and also very handsome players who qualify them for the Champions League consistently every year? And most importantly, which team in Europe has been able to assemble such a talented bunch at such cheap, rock-bottom rate?
Tell me also, which team in the whole world can survive and remain competitive by living out of a piggy bank? We have brought all these most-wonderful players and sustained our very high level both in the league and the Champions League by scrapping and penny-pinching for years. While everyone else around us has been splashing the cash and raking up mountains of debt, we have lived on scraps and crumbs from the table literally. Not only have we spent almost no money, we have also got astonishing value for the pittance we have spent. I am talking about the great, world class players that have passed through this club in the past 15 years. Players like Patrick ‘One Man Army’ Vieira, Dennis ‘The Menacing Specialist’ Bergkamp, Thierry ‘Prima Donna’ Henry, Fredrik ‘The Lunatic’ Ljungberg, Robert ‘The Ghost’ Pires, Marc ‘Runaway Train’ Overmars, Nicholas ‘Almighty Sulk’ Anelka just to mention a few. I don’t want to bore you too much by adding other world beaters like Sylvain ‘Sly Fox’ Wiltord, Pascal ‘Slow Motion’ Cygan, Igor ‘No Nonsense’ Stepanovs and Oleg ‘Incredible Hulk’ Luzhny.
These are just a tip of the player iceberg. I brought them from all corners of the world to help make Arsenal a world class side. The trophies have come as well, until the last six seasons due to the fact that you guys have refused to cheer this current group of world class players.
May I warn you all right now that if you continue to refuse to cheer them,, the trophies will continue to stay away from Emirates. It is not a threat, but a fact. You guys have all become too comfy in your padded seats, you’ve forgotten the real reason you are allowed into the ground in the first place.
And one day, when my world class players have all had enough, they will seek greener and noisier pastures elsewhere and I will go with them. While going, I will equally take the tea lady with me, as well as Mr Ivan ‘The Terrible’ Gazidis, the club CEO and my self-appointed sorcerer.
When that happens, I promise you, Arsenal may start appreciating me more when they suddenly find themselves playing in the Conference League with the likes of Brentford, Leyton Orient or Walsall.
A word is enough for the wise. If there is any amongst you ungrateful lot.
Signed: Professor AW.
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